@Read Epub ¹ The Bar Sinister Ù eBook or Kindle ePUB free

@Read Epub ⚣ The Bar Sinister Á Every woman wants to be Elizabeth Bennet Darcybeautiful, gracious, universally admired, strong, daring and outspokena thoroughly modern woman in crinolines And every woman will fall madly in love with Mr Darcytall, dark and handsome, a nobleman and a heartthrob whose virility is matched only by his utter devotion to his wifeTheir passion is consuming and idyllicessentially, they can't keep their hands off each otherthrough a sweeping tale of adventure and misadventure, human folly and numerous mysteries of parentageHold on to your bonnets! This sexy, epic, hilarious, poignant and romantic sequel to Pride and Prejudice is not for Jane Austen purists Selfpublished inas The Bar Sinister, this sequel continues the story of Elizabeth Bennet and Mr Darcy through a sweeping tale of adventure Please, don't read this book, or, if you feel compelled to, please don't tell me you did unless it is with the intent to vent your anger and frustration that such a travesty was ever published If you do not feel highly protective of Darcy, Lizzie, Jane Austen, and all her writing stands for, you might get some enjoyment out of this book If you love Jane for her satire and excellent but unforced language, as well as respectable characters, you might be brought to tears or to burning this book.Just a few of the myriad problems (and I give Dovey credit for identifying some of these):Horrible sex scenes that have nothing in common with what we would expect from Lizzie and Darcy after PP.Word choice that is meant to be in the spirit of Jane's language, yet is pretentious and totally misses the spirit of how Jane wroteGeneral behavior that is constantly out of character, including extreme weakspiritedness and selfpity out of Lizzie; a new, crude sexmaniac, alpha dog attitude from Darcy; and gentle Georgiana running off to become a nurse in France during the Napoleonic War for god's sake.If you are looking for nothingthan a romance novel with fancy language and characters who just happen to share names with some illustrious literary figures, you might be pretty happy with your choice Outside of that, don't waste your time. Let's face it, we are all idiots when it comes to our OTP (one true pairing) We want to see them in love We want to see them live their happilyeverafter I don't know about you, but I would happily read about Valek and Yelena setting up house and living in domestic bliss It's not fucking boring, dammit It's love!The same goes for Darcy and Elizabeth I don't give a fuck that they don't do anything Hell, they're already in love! There's nothing else there but reading about them making googly eyes at each other I don't care! I love them! I'll read about them taking 1000000 walks together if it means I see the two of them together As I said, readers are stupid when it cones to their OTPs That, my friends, is why I read Pride and Prejudice fan fiction And that's why I enjoyed this book Yeah You heard me This book has so many haters and I don't even care It is terrible I don't even care Darcy and Elizabeth do nothing but fuck like bunnies throughout the book I don't even care They're my OTPs That's all I want To observe them living out their fairytale romance Allow me to write a poem to this book They fuck in the countryside, they fuck in townThey fucked so long and hard that it ruined Elizabeth's gownThey fuck in bed, they fuck outsideBut who cares, I, for one, will let it slideThey fuck on their bed, looking into the mirrorWhatever, it just makes them feel even dearer They fuck in his study, and then in her boudoirThey fuck, and fuck, and then they fuck some They fuck with Georgina in the next roomThey fuck when the weather is sunny, or full of gloomThey fuck with gusto, with unabashed glee And really, that's just perfuckingdandy with meNothing happens in this book but Liz and Darcy screwing each other like bunnies And I ain't even sorry. I was so happy to see that GoodReads allows you to rate something with zero stars! If ever a book merited such treatment, it is this one This book is so BAD it is unintentionally funny Very funny My favorite sentences so far:Propitious fortune allowed her to descry whom the crepuscular light yielded.The single unseemliness bechanced in her dressing room.Whilst still partaking of their meal, Darcy apologised unnecessarily upon the austere winter dressing of his county.In the pristine morning light, it was not an inquisition of her configuration he sought (for he had, upon a few occasions long past, perused a womanly portal).Believe me, folks, the whole thing reads like this I am NOT making this up I was drowning in in a sea of betwixt (82 times) and howbeits (59 times) Many of the sentences are downright becramped with broken sentence structure and overwrought language All things are besoiled, bedewed, begrimed, bechanced Nothing is ever dewed or grimed or soiled No one ever sits between two people, it is indubitably betwixt Even if you can ignore the horrible writing, you will be affronted by the subpar romantic/erotic plotting and descriptions (womanly portals and nether garments, indeed!).Thanks to 's Search Inside feature If you want a good laugh, go there for this book and search on the term nether The excerpts are exquisite. SO BAD This is just smutty fanfiction that someone was able to get published Sex (which was done very stupidly) is on every other page and the characters have been given new, and less flattering backgrounds Mr Darcy is a well endowed sex god, who has been spreading his love around since he was 16 Elizabeth, while still a virgin, was ready to give it up to Darcy before marriage, and would have, if not for an interruption I just felt like I was growing to dislike these characters who I have always held in such regard Austen's characters deserve so much better than this.The author seems to have spent some time trying to understand the vocabulary of Austen's time and then dumped every word she knew into every other sentence Austen's books flow, this book stumbles in vocab overload.This book starts with a slam on Austen from Bronte While it might be true, I can think of better ways to honor such a literary goddess than by fixing her flaws And as a note to the author, if I was pompous enough to try to fix Austen's flaws, I might have tried to write something a little better than flowery smut It's called a plot, prechance thou shall persuse its meaning.Don't read this book I would have given it zero stars, but then someone might have taken that as a no rating and been swindled into reading it.